Last night I found myself in extraordinary grief. Painful unexplainable grief. My heart hurt with such agony, throbbing outward to my fingers and jaw. As If everything that carried blood to the ends of my being was poisoned. I lay in bed trying to focus and remember anything that doesn't serve me can be released. Just let go and breathe through it but it was relentless. I went outside into the storm. The wind blew with such power everything I had was focused on standing up against it. Was this the storm inside of me? It was separate but definitely connected.
Then I awoke in the morning recalling the confusion and distance I created the night before with loved ones. Not sure how to fix it I came to float. During my float I lay back and prepare to surrender, allowing by body to accept the freedom from gravity I felt the pain in my heart again. This time I imagined my breath like a nurturing spiraling hug wrapping around my heart. With each breath in a gentle embrace and each breath was acceptance release of the tension. Sweet Release. Then again I released the other points of tension, a spot in my back and then my neck. Then came understanding, something in a movie I was watching had triggered a memory/feeling rooted so deep inside of me. It was uncontrollable. Instead of acknowledgement I chose guilt for ruining a perfectly good evening for no real reason. Ignore it, move on was my my practice. However, everything else in my body was weak with stress and now shouting to me with precise and crippling pain. I was overwhelmed. I believe may of us operate this way. Some to different extremes than others. I forget it is ok to be vulnerable. When I choose to be vulnerable I choose to connect. This may be one of the hardest challenges because when we are vulnerable we are susceptible to more pain. Put the pure ability to connect is the overwhelming joy of life. When we are vulnerable we know ourselves and each others in the most beautiful and intimate way possible.
Fear doesn't serve us. We are no longer primitive beings hiding from saber tooth tigers. Instead we have learned to hide and run from each other and ourselves because our tolerance for pain is low and we fear so much. I don't need published research to know that floating releases these tenancies to hold onto fear. Reminds me that being vulnerable is not a weakness it is a secret weapon. Floating helps me practice to remember. It relieves the pain that surfaces so i can once again connect rather than build walls. I invite you to come in, practice your breathe, practice forgetting gravity, practice vulnerability and float away stress.